26 October 2012

Whats Up Bran.

This post is just a wee explanation as to whats going on and why my posts are becoming increasingly erratic.
In all honesty this post is going to be more therapeutic for me rather than a good read. However if you are a nosey bugger like me you might enjoy it! Or maybe you guys will have some words of wisdom to help. I do hope so.
I hate not blogging regularly, I know I have a life blah blah blah, but I still hate it. I hate being out of a routine and I'm worried if I keep missing posts I'm going to stop or lose my mojo as it were. I really really don't want that to happen. My blog doesn't interrupt my life ... my life just bloody gets in the way.
1. I hate my job. I don't really. I actually really enjoy it, I just wish I had more regular shifts and wasn't living week by week. Its making me lazy! I am much more motivated when I'm going 100miles an hour! I thrive off being busy and need to be constantly moving. So with everything being much slower I get less motivated. Its depressing.
2. I'm skint. All the time. I have went from having a good wage to scraping by every month. Don't get me wrong I make enough to pay all my bills and maybe have 1 night out a month, but thats about it. Its just getting a bit old always having to say "Sorry I'm skint" "We'll need to do something cheap". I feel like it is all I think about! I am looking for a second job, but nothing is coming up, probably won't get anything now till after Christmas. I was just hoping to start saving for flats, driving lessons, adult braces and possibly doing a post grad. However at the end of the month I just have nothing to spare.
3. I hate the way I look at the moment. My eyebrows are wirey and my hair keeps turning a funny colour and won't grow. HA! This is stuff I never moan about, and this really gets me down because I know how lucky I am that I was born healthy with all my limbs and haven't ever had a bad accident. So I can't stand when people moan about the way they look! But, know what, I'm human. I think everything is getting on top of me and that is the only reason this stuff is even bothering me.
4. Nothing is happening career wise. My "Career" is on hold for a little while. Which I am OK with. I am just worried that when I start going for jobs and internships that I won't get anything. You know some peoples life goal is to be a parent one day? They have always known they have wanted to be a mum/dad they have grown up dreaming about it? Well thats how I feel about a career in fashion. I have never wanted another job, I don't have any back up plan. I am terrified I won't be able to build a career. If I don't get a career in fashion, my life will be empty. Even though I know it won't be. It will just genuinely break my heart. I think I've realised how serious growing up is and I'm like, FUCK.
5. I'm lonely.Whish is really hard to admit. My boyfriend is in England. My friends just have other lives, Uni/partners/jobs, thats life. It just seems like every time I organise something it gets cancelled. All I do everyday is go to work or hang out with my family. Seriously I make Bridget Jones look mental. 
I know that I have a great life. I have a job I have a lovely family, everyone is happy and healthy, I KNOW that. My life has so much potential. So why don't I feel happy?
Every single day I wake up and can't be arsed to get ready unless there is a reason. Which is why blogging is so hard, you can't do PJ outfit posts. Well you can but how boring would that be?
So this is why the blogging has taken a dive. Which is infuriating as its probably one of the best things I have right now. These lovely comments and emails I get daily, but I can't believe them. Every time someone says something nice I can't believe it, what the fuck is that all about? I really don't mean to sound like a dick. But sometimes I will get a lovely comment and it will honestly brighten my day and release me from this dark mood for a while, which is wonderful. Thank You.
I am wondering if I should take a full break for a while. I'm worried that a month will turn in to 2 then 3 and then I won't come back. However if I just post when I can I won't feel as much pressure, so if you guys don't mind erratic posts for a little while I will stick around.
Has this been the longest most pathetic post ever? lol.

Sorry guys!
But thanks for having a read, I hope you understand :)
Sweet Dreams
Paula .. x