As my long time followers will know, this year I became single for the first time in 7 years!
We are now at the 6 month mark, and I feel like its time for me to impart some wisdom on what I have learned.
So I have had two relationships since I was 16. The first:
He was my best friend, and then my first love. We were together for 4 years and it was the best time of my life. Then, it fell apart, we weren't to be and we split. I can honestly say that was the darkest time of my life. I genuinely felt like I was going to die, I felt my heart shatter into pieces, it sounds dramatic, but anyone who has gone through it will understand. I cried and cried and cried, for weeks. I thought I would be alone the rest of my life, that I would never get over this and I'd die alone with my cats ... I was 20. Idiot. I knew at the time, and I stand by it now, splitting was a the right thing to do, sometimes things just aren't destined to work, and that is a good thing because then it can bring something better, more wonderful into your life :)
I got into my second relationship really fast. The Second:
We met at work and we took it slow for a few months. I was frightened to get involved in this love game again, never mind so soon after my first devastation. We were together for 3 years. It was a different kind of relationship. It was safe, I felt like no one could ever hurt me if he was there, which now looking back I let myself become too dependent on him. He made me much braver, I stopped being frightened to travel, I started to believe in myself more, I took more chances, more risks. Ironically these things were ultimately the downfall of our relationship.
I can't quite understand still what went wrong. All I know is that I didn't like the girl I was becoming with him. Now I can look back and see how unhappy I was. How much I was changing myself be become what I thought he wanted me to be while still battling with myself, to be myself.
The truth of the matter is, I'm no Stepford bride.
I like a drink.
I LOVE to swear.
I like dark jokes.
I like tattoos, I have tattoos.
I'm not a girly girl, if I want to dress like a boy I can.
and I fucking will.
Our relationship ended suddenly in February, after doing long distance between Cambridge and Glasgow for a while. This break up wasn't like the first. I knew I wasn't going to die. I knew I would meet someone else and I would be happy again. I did want to wait though, so I made a vow.
I haven't been single since I was 16. I can remember that 15 year old girl so full of hope, so ignorant of love and its endless complications. No interest in boys and she would absolutely never have let and boys take over her life. Where did that Paula go?
I have made it my mission this year to re discover that girl. I want to stay single for at least a year. I want to find myself without anyone else being involved. I want to know what MY passions are. What food I like. What do I do for fun? I seriously don't know a lot of this stuff outside of these relationships, what is that all about? I need to know who I am in order to know what I want in a relationship, how do I know what I want if I've never had the chance to explore.
For the first time since I was 16, I'm not in love, and it feels fan-fucking-tastic!
Its just me now, I can do absolutely anything I want.
I know of a few people just now going through that first break up, the worst one. I just want them to know that it WILL BE OK! You WILL get over it. You will love again, you will probably hurt again too. But I tell you, despite all the pain heartbreak has caused me, I feel like I've came out the other side a better, happier and much much stronger person!
I'm happy, truly happy.
There were times I thought that would never happen, but I was wrong, and I promise you, your wrong too. Its going to be alright. Promise ... pinky promise!
Paula .. x