31 December 2013

Goodbye 2013.

This year ... 2013 ... I thought was going to suck. When you get dumped within the first 3 months you assume its not going to go well. I don't know how it went. The things I lost have damn near killed me. I feel like if this month hadn't happened then it would have been one of the best years, but it did all happen. It sucks that its stopping me from focusing on the positives, but 2013 is the year I finally lost all hope and faith in humanity. Thanks to everyone who caused that! *Thumbs Up*

I always have "Revolutions" but its more things I hope to achieve that year rather than things to improve myself.

This year my resolutions were:

Get a full time job
I hadn't had a full time job in 2012 and it was very difficult not to be able to do things and afford anything fun. So I wanted to make some money this year while still trying to pursue a real job. In February I got my current job. Its been great to have some luxuries and I've really enjoyed my job and had some good opportunities through it.

Go to more gigs
I used to only go to gigs of people I really loved. The truth is though I actually really enjoy them and wanted to see more bands and experience it more. Its quite a random revolution but it was just one I wanted to do and  have. I hope to do it more in 2014 too.


Be More Charitable
This one has been my favourite and I definitely achieved it with my head shave, which is by far the best thing I have done with my year. Its been very rewarding and I hope to continue doing more charity things for 2014.

Given how awful this final month has been its been very hard to remember that this was a good year. I wish I could say that this year was ending on a happier note, but its not, but it could be much worse so I have to remember the positives.


2013 was the year:
I got dumped, then had the best summer ever being single with my best friend. Being a girl and being stupid and realising that life without a boy in tow is actually fucking fantastic. I rediscovered who I am an became comfortable being with myself and looking out for myself. 



I got my first internship, with the wonderful Hey Sailor who gave me the opportunity to work with them for a few months, it was my first little taste of a real career that I don't want to ever give up on.


 I got more blogging opportunities , met more bloggers and just in general kept powering through it even when it was tough, because I love it, and it keeps me going.

 I done some really stupid shit this year. Some of which I REALLY regret, but know what, I've never really been wild or stupid before so, it was an experience, and I've learnt lessons from it, and even though it was dumb and stupid, it was fucking hysterical.

I shaved my head ... and it was brilliant.



I want and hope more than anything that 2014 is a good year.

My revolutions for this year are:

Get healthy and happy
I've started swimming and running, to help me to get fit and increase happy endorphins. The truth is, I know this year is going to be lonely. Its getting more difficult to get my friends together now that we all have our own lives and ALL OF THEM are in serious relationships, so I need to get hobbies to entertain myself when they are not around. This is a good opportunity to try and make more friends and widen my social circle ... and get my body back to its former glory!




Learn to drive
Its been too long now, I need to do it and stop being lazy. Even as I type that I still cant be arsed.

Stay Away From Boys
I don't plan on getting a boyfriend this year, if ever. A boy in my life is the last thing I want, but knowing my bloody luck I'll meet someone and that will be that! If I meet someone I think is worth it I'm not going to ruin it out of stubbornness ... but I just want to be left alone. I have really given up on the whole thing, I don't believe in love anymore and I have lost the last bit of hope I had left. I don't think anyone can be trusted I don't think anyone gets a real Happy Ever After. I see "happy" couples all the time and one is cheating, lieing, deceiving, hurting each other, abusing each other and I hate it. I am so so so loyal and faithful to people I am with and I only ever give people a chance who I think are truly special, and guess what, those people still end up hurting me. I have my guard up, so when I eventually let people in its because I think they could be trusted not to hurt me, but I'm wrong, and the guards get stronger. So what is the point? You try your best to protect yourself and still end up hurt. I'm sick of getting hurt and my heart can't take any more, letting someone in to fuck me over and hurt me with lies and betrayal. People say that your heart will be broke until someone comes along and heals it, and all the pain was worth it ... BULLSHIT! They will come in to your life, make you feel human again and you will think "Yeah, I'm happy" then they change their mind and your back to square one, at best you might have got a good fuck out of it, if your lucky. There is no such thing as a Soulmate, true love does not exist, love barely exists and sex and lust control everything. The best you can hope for is that you will meet someone who will actually make an an actual effort not to hurt you, but lets be honest, that probably just means you will be the one who hurts them. Love is bullshit, your all welcome to it.



Get a REAL job
 Its time to man up and get my shit sorted. I need to stop being a pussy and not putting myself out there, I know I will get some knock backs but I have to keep trying.

Travel
I want to see the world around me, and now I have the confidence and a little more cash to be able to actually do it, so hopefully I can visit a few of the places on my checklist. First stop is a wee skiing trip!



Take More Photos
I feel like when I first started blogging I was so into photography and then I let everyone take my photos and got reliant on auto mode and kind of gave up. This year I'm signing up to a photography night course which will make a big difference, and even just day to day with my phone I'm going to make sure I start snapping as much as I can.
(Not pictures of every meal on Instagram, I swear!)



You come in to this world alone, and you will leave it alone, this year is all about me and making the best of myself and making myself happy. At this point if I could take a pill that would send me to sleep forever, I would. I've lost all hope in love, I've lost faith that there are enough good people in the world. I'm trying my best not to lose hope in life and I hope that I will be OK again one day, that's within my control, and I can't lose any more hope without a fight. 

My wish for 2014 is that this time next year I will be happy. That this awful period in my life will be a distant memory and that my depression will be lifted. That all my family will be well and happy, and that I will meet people this year who will help me believe in good again.

2014, COME AT ME BRO!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x

22 December 2013

Sense Swap Shop.


I know this wee swap shop is way after Christmas but I thought I'd share it with you guys for that post Christmas clear out. Swap shops are a great and different way to get rid of your old unwanted stuff and grab some wee bargains of your own. Plus with this event you get a fun girlie day out and get to help a great charity in the process, wins all round.

 


Sense Scotland is a charity which helps and supports  disabled people and their families throughout Scotland. Originally founded to help deaf blind people but it has now expanded to help lots of people and their families with a wide variety of disabilities.

I'm hoping to go along if work allows and if any of the other Scottish Bloggers are up for a wee day out for some philanthropy and fashion we could have a wee day out. 
So hopefully see you there!

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x

21 December 2013

Christmas Party.





Dress Forever 21
Shoes Barratts
Flowers Dorothy Perkins
Ring Primark

This was what I wore to my works Christmas night out. I love this dress its very Cher from Clueless who has seemed to be my fashion icon for 2013. As its a silk material i thought it would be ideal for Christmas. I did alter it at the front and ruffled it myself as it made it shorter at the front and better for my wee stumpy legs.

I don't tend to dress up fancy for nights out. I tend to be quite rocky, and usually wear flats, so this something different for this time of this year.

Sweet Dreams

Paula .. x


12 December 2013

Farm Callendar.


I first found out about The Great British Farm Project on twitter when I seen someone tweeting about the GBFP 2014 Calendar.

 

 I instantly thought of my best Friend, we had agreed that we weren't going to do Christmas presents but I knew I had to get it for her. Shes like me, a huge animal lover and she basically organises her life on her current calendar, you can't go wrong with a calendar, but I knew she'd especially love this one. She isn't opening it till Christmas day, but I don't know if she reads so ... SURPRISE MELODY if your are ...

 The calendar itself is awesome! All the pictures are of the farms rescue animals, and it tells their stories which hits home as to why this is such a great cause. Plus I fucking love farm animals, they are cute as hell!

You can buy the calendar here, its a great present for any animals lover and its helping the farm 365 day of the year! So worth it.

 

" We rescue and provide sanctuary for farm animals and horses in need.
We’re passionate about animal welfare, and operate a no-slaughter policy. That means we produce fleece and eggs from our rescue animals – and vegetables from our market garden – but not meat.

We believe in farming with nature, not against it. We farm organically, conserve and promote wildlife within a farming context.

We encourage the use of native UK livestock breeds – and think rare breeds have something particularly special to offer. A breeding programme is in place to help with the preservation of these wonderful breeds. All the animals help with our conservation grazing projects both here on the farm and also at other wildlife/special habitat locations.

We work to raise awareness of all these things, and to educate children about farming, nature and where their food comes from. We run courses (on everything from livestock management to bee-keeping), and receive school group visits."

I love what the GBFP are doing and I hope to do what I can to help. I love this back to basics approach and I wish the food industry would go back to this. When I have my own place I want to get meat from the butchers and grow my own fruit and veg, and buy from farms and markets. It may be seen as old fashioned but I just trust it a lot more and feel like it worked better this way, rather than the over shopped high demand that the food industry is in now ... but that's just my opinion. 

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x


11 December 2013

All I Want is Happiness.

Hi Guys.

Today's post is yet another vent about the disaster that is my life.

For a few weeks now, I've been feeling very nervous and anxious and in the last week I had a few wee minor panic attacks. Then on Sunday, at my work Christmas party (which I had been looking forward to for months) I finally had a massive one.

I have suffered panic attacks my entire life. I remember my very first big one when I was 5 or 6 and I got trapped in a toilet on holiday. I was probably only stuck for about 3 mins but I still to this day remember every single thought and emotion that I went through. To this day I still get nervous when I go to a public bathroom that doesn't have an open bottom. Crazy

The next massive one that I remember was when I went to Paris with my primary school, so I was about 11. We got locked in our room and I freaked out so much that I tried to smash the windows with the chair. After I got home, for weeks I couldn't breath properly and every time I got nervous I threw up. I honestly didn't feel better for about 6 months. I lived on rescue remedy and carried worry dolls about like my life depended on them.

Obviously I was always uncomfortable with crowds and small places, and could never be out of control with anything. Then I got older and started to go to nightclubs and got more comfortable and brave in situations that were a little more out of my depth.

Then when I was 19 I split with my first boyfriend. I couldn't cope with the pain of it all even though I knew it was the best and right thing. That brought on a panic attack, now that I was older I thought I'd be able to cope better, I've been doing this for years. But If anything it was worse. I was off college for weeks because I fell so ill, but that was more stressful because I was worrying about what I was missing at college and work. Plus when your a kid your run right to your mum and she fixes it and that's that, but now I was older and I wanted to deal with it alone. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, if there is someone there, talk.


And to anyone who is there to help someone, please be patient. It might seem like they are not trying but unless you know what it is like, you have no idea the battle they are going through inside. They don't want to burden you but if they have confided in you that's took a lot for them to get to that point, so please just listen and don't make them feel guilty. That does no good for anyone.

This panic attack this time has been weird. Not like any I've suffered before. Like i said for a few weeks/months now, I've felt anxious. Not a clue why though. This last week I haven't been able to make eye contact with people, my breathing has been erratic, my sleep is a mess and the only place I feel safe is in my room on my bed, everywhere else makes me nervous. Especially work. The idea of a customer talking to me makes me feel dizzy and I can't hold a conversation with any of my colleagues for more than a few seconds before my mind blanks out and my eyes go out of focus. I feel out of my own body as if I'm watching myself. On Sunday I think it was a combination of everything, tons of people together in a small room, all of them steaming, except me. All I wanted was to be in my room, safe. I shouldn't have went. But I was trying to keep it together. Fail.

After I got home after managing about 2 hours at the party, I threw up, shook uncontrollably, cried for 12 hours. I couldn't make work the next day. I went to the docs and finally after months of avoiding it. I asked for help. I'm DONE feeling this way. Wanted to avoid meds but know what I'd do anything now to take this feeling away. I really really really mean that. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I'd take physical pain over mental pain EVERY SINGLE TIME.


I'm trying to find the best way to describe what a panic attack or an anxiety attack feels like, but its impossible. If you've never experienced it I am so very jealous and I genuinely hope you never do. I would kill to be able to deal with life situations in a normal way.

Know the worst thing though. I'm not even the worst case. I have a friend who's anxiety has gotten so bad she has locked herself away in her house for almost a year now. I've heard of people who haven't been out the house for years. Then there are people who can't take the pain so much that they take their own lives. I can understand that, because like I said, you would do ANYTHING to stop it. Thank god that I haven't gotten that bad, and I hope more than anything in this world that I never do.
 
How does a panic attack feel to me?
You feel off, you know somethings not quiet right and you push it down and hold it down for as long a you can ...then anxiety and panic takes over you fully loose control. Everything becomes 10x worse than it is and even though its all in your head and you know that it becomes physical. You vomit, you faint, you can't control your movement and your breathing. You feel like you are about to die, like truly truly die. You KNOW your fine but you can't control anything that's going on, and that's why its frightening. My panic attacks usually last about 24 hours, then my body and mind is drained for days and days afterwards. If I can sleep that helps a lot, if I could sleep for weeks until I felt better, I would. But panic attacks are like a broken heart, the only thing that heals is time. It sucks.


I am on day 3 after my panic attack. My meds are keeping my heart rate under control and stopping me from panicking too much. But I have deleted my Facebook because every mention or photo from that Christmas party makes my heart stop. Facebook is just full of things that make me panic. I have no idea why. But I'm just not ready to face it. I'm hoping to get back to work this week as I want to get back to normal, but I'm so so nervous about it at the same time. Its that unknown anticipation about whats going to happen. I'm hoping it takes my mind off things rather than freaks me out. I just want to get back to normal.

All my friends are so shocked by this, I've not been myself in a couple of weeks. I'm usually such a positive and happy person, full of fun and always up for anything exciting. So to go from that to being like this is very hard and its even harder to get back to the way I was before. But I can't wait to be myself again, its all I want.

Its so sad that 2013 has ended on such a low as it was such a good year for me up until this week. But maybe that will mean 2014 can only start on a positive. 
Please please please let that be the case!


10 December 2013

CHICKS Wish List.


CHICKS is a rest bite charity which helps the provide breaks for under privileged children who might not get a break at any other time of year!

These children come from all over, they can be victims of abuse, neglect, poverty or even full time young carers.

Respite charities are wonderful. I have a member of my family who is heavily brain damaged, and my mum and aunts are always raving about how much the rest bite charities did for her as she was growing up. Both giving her a great fun time making happy memories, but it helps their families too, sometimes it gives them that little bit of rest bite that they need.

Its a wonderful way for people to donate their time to help others, the volunteers at these kinds of charities do a fantastic job and make such a difference to peoples lives, that I'm sure they don't even realise just how much it helps and how much people appreciate it.

So when I was searching for ways to help CHICKS this Christmas I found that they have a Christmas Wish List of things you can send over that they can use for their Christmas breaks!

"Christmas should be a child's favourite time of year but for many it's a time they dread - that's why CHICKS will be holding special Christmas breaks for disadvantaged children.
 
The breaks will be named 'Sleigh Ride' and 'Snowball' and will run from 23rd - 27th December at our retreats in Devon and Cornwall. With the support of our wonderful volunteers and CHICKS staff, we aim to give these children the magical Christmas every child deserves full of festive fun, games, presents, food and friends."

So I plan to send over a few goodies from their wish list which will hopefully give everyone a great day! Its easy to just pick up some wee bits and bobs and send them off and it will make a huge huge difference to the experience for the kids.


It was so easy just to go to a shop and grab some wee bits to send off, as you can see I got some Christmas themed stuff and party stuff, its not much but hopefully the kids will have fun and you know, if everyone who sends stuff sends a little it adds up to a lot!

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x 

8 December 2013

M&S Card Recyling.

So my 12 Deeds of Christmas isn't just charity related, it can just been a good deed. I am a bit of a grump when it comes to Christmas waste. Thousands of cards, bags and wrapping paper gets thrown out every year and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. 

I Hate Hate Hate waste of any sort, and over the years I've become a bit of an Eco warrior. I can't wait to have my own house where I can have my own wee recycling system, grow my own fruit and veg and ... I want some wee chickens for good eggs. 

I really think more people need to take care of our earth, and I think if everyone done just a little it would help. So today's deed is about doing our Mother Nature some good and being a little more Eco friendly this Christmas!

So once you are done with your Christmas cards there are a few things you can do with them.


Frame Them
Sometimes the cards you get are so pretty and if you frame them they make great quirky little are works!
http://www.giftwrappedandgorgeous.co.uk/product-Personalised_Name_Meaning_Paper_Cut_Art_Picture_For_Babies_&_Children___Framed-12690.htm
Make Decorations
A cute idea is to cut all your old cards into triangles and make a wee Christmas bunting out if them. They will look quirky and unique and can be re used every Christmas! The Good Stuff Guide has loads of cute ideas! 

http://www.thegoodstuffguide.com/upcycling-christmas-cards/


Recycle Them
Recycling your Christmas cards and other Christmas waste will ensure that less waste will go to landfill sites.


You can recycle your Christmas cards by simply taking your old cards down to your nearest Marks & Spencer January and pop them in the recycling bins in store. Its so easy and simple and if everyone done it think how much good it would do for our wee planet. 

Recycling your Christmas cards and other waste will help the Woodland Trust to plant more trees.

"If everyone in the UK recycles just one Christmas card at M&S this January, we will be able to plant more than 60,000 trees across the UK."

The bins will be in stores from the 2nd to the 31st of January 2014.

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x

7 December 2013

Hair Update 6.

 

We are at the 6 month point! 

What?! I feel as if its been 5 minuets. Which is a good sign to me as I still have not regretted it for a second. Although I am getting more excited for the point when I can put it in a pony and I can get one of those fake buns. I am missing my buns.

After deliberating wither or not to start shampooing my hair again, I have decided against it. I just feel like its growing so fast naturally I don't want to do anything to hinder it, plus I feel like it naturally has sooooo much more volume than it used to have.  

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x

6 December 2013

Christmas Jumper Day.

This Friday the 13th there will be no talk of black cats and spooky goings on, its all about CHRISTMAS JUMPERS!

 

Save The Children have dubbed this day, Christmas jumper day! Everyone who is anyone will be dawning a jumper for a festive day of cheesy Christmas fun all in aid of a great cause!

All you have to do is make a wee donation to Save The Children . Get everyone involved, my work place are doing it and we are all donating £1 and wearing our jumpers, so the more people you get involved the more money your raise and the more fun you have.

If you don't have a jumper there are loads and loads to choose from, here are some of my favourites!



 
Primark £12

 

 

I will try to get some fun snaps from work and let your see us in the Christmas spirit!

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x

4 December 2013

Celebrate a Life at Christmas.

Losing someone in your life can be very difficult all year round, but it can be especially difficult at Christmas time. 

Everyone is home for the festive season, families are re united, friends are celebrating, and it can be difficult to enjoy all this when you know someone special is no longer around to enjoy it with you.

Maybe it may help to take some time to dedicate some of the festive season to remembering those special people and reassuring yourself that they will not be forgotten.

Each year the Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation does just that, with a special service/concert dedicated to giving people that special time to remember all those who are not with us for the holidays.
 
 

This years service will take place on Sunday he 8th of December at 2pm in the beautiful Kelvingrove Art Gallery in the West end of Glasgow.

The service is free but you can leave donations with will go to the  Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation who help and give hope to those affected by lung cancer. 

 

"Dedicate a Christmas light to somebody special on one of our celebration trees.

When you support the Celebrate A Life at Christmas appeal you will receive a keepsake Remembrance card containing the names of your loved ones. You can remember anybody you choose – not just people who have died from lung cancer. There is no minimum donation – all we ask is that you be as generous as you can."

You can get your free tickets for the service Here

I'm hoping to go along, again work provided. 
But I think its a lovely way to dedicate some time to remember someone special at Christmas.

Sweet Dreams

Paula_x